Stars in the Heavens
by pandorabox82
Summary: At the close of Christmas Day, Bernie finds herself comforting Serena through the feelings of guilt she has surrounding the holiday.


Bernie smiled as she closed the door behind Cameron and Charlotte, the warm feeling of a lovely holiday at home with people she adored not diminishing with his departure. Jason had gone up to bed about an hour ago, still keeping to his schedule even with it being Christmas. Leaning against the thick wood of the door, she let out a tiny sigh and thought about how well things had gone, for the most part.

Ambling back into the parlor, she draped herself against the doorjamb as she gazed on her lover. Serena was staring at the tree, and it took a moment for Bernie to realise that her shoulders were lightly shaking, that her hands were tightly clasped in her lap, and that she was hunched over a little. This sudden sorrow took her aback, and Bernie swallowed thickly as she made her way into the room.

Serena jumped a little when Bernie touched her shoulder, and as she watched, her lover hurriedly swiped under her eyes before looking up at her, giving her a watery smile. "Is Cameron on shift tomorrow?"

"I believe so." Serena nodded and then patted the spot next to her. Bernie nodded before taking a seat. Serena leaned over and rested her head on Bernie's chest, rubbing her cheek against the fabric of Bernie's shirt. Letting out a low groan, Bernie tugged her closer and began to run her fingers through her partner's hair. "What is hurting your heart, Serena?"

"This is my second Christmas without her," she whispered as she snuggled in even closer, slipping one hand beneath the fabric of Bernie's vest and spreading it out, letting her thumb run back and forth as silence fell over the room once more. Bernie let her be, knowing that Serena would speak once again when she was ready. "Mum used to love Christmastime, you know."

Bernie sucked in a low breath as she bent her head and kissed the crown of Serena's, feeling her own eyes well up with tears as she realized the sorrow that was eating at her lover's soul. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it was so great spending time with our children. It was almost like Christmases of old." Serena squirmed around in Bernie's arms so that she was facing her now, looking up into her face as she let her head come to rest in Bernie's lap. "I just, it hit me, Bernie, out of nowhere. Mum wasn't here, Elinor was here, and I was happy, for a moment."

"You deserve to be happy."

Serena shrugged a little as she closed her eyes, her face softening into a blank mask. This was one of the things that bothered Bernie, since she knew it was a coping mechanism. Serena was trying to shut her out, just like she did so many people in her life. "I deserve what I'm given," she finally replied softly, her eyes opening and focusing on Bernie's face.

"Oh, Serena," she whispered as she leaned down and pressed her lips to Serena's forehead.

"Hush, I'm just being…"

"Honest. Which is something that you've always asked of me. And I don't know how to heal this wound in your heart, but I can stay by your side as you work at it." Serena gave her a sad, warm, smile as she nodded. "Your mother, she was the one who left the marks on your shoulders."

"She didn't know what she was doing! The dementia had robbed her of her gentleness."

"I'm not trying to be mean, Serena. I'm just trying to get at your feelings, because they are obviously causing you pain. And I don't like to think of you hurting, darling."

"Last Christmas should have been harder than it was," she finally whispered after several long moments of silence. "But I threw myself into the holiday, had the Fletchlings over, and Christmased the fuck out of it. Because I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget that Elinor changed her mind and went with her boyfriend to another country because she couldn't bear to be with me, since I didn't tell her how bad Mummy was doing. She felt like I stole time from her, and maybe she's right, but I wanted Ellie to have nothing but good memories of Mummy. I didn't want her to see what was happening. And I know, that was selfish of me. But I wanted to protect her."

Tears were now coursing down Serena's cheeks, and Bernie hummed lowly as she stroked her hair, trying to think of the right words to comfort her lover. There really weren't any, though, since she hadn't experienced this type of loss. "I think that we all want to protect our children, Serena," she finally said lowly, never stilling her movements. "And sometimes, they chafe under that protection, because they think they know best."

"She hates me even more now, that she knows about us. She's hiding something from us, and don't argue with me on that. A mother knows! And I don't think she's particularly delighted with this situation."

"She doesn't hate you, she's just angry. There will come a time when both our daughters wake up and realise that they're not angry any longer. I mean, look, Charlotte actually came! And had a good time watching _Doctor Who_ with Jason. And while it doesn't always come soon enough for our liking, it will happen." She hesitated to say that she promised it would occur, because promises were made to be broken, after all, but she wanted to comfort her lover somehow.

"I'll try to keep that in mind," Serena murmured as she turned onto her side and buried her face in the fabric of her shirt. Bernie just held her close as she cried, knowing that Serena had to get the emotions out of her system. "Bernie?"

"Yes?"

"I know it's late, I know you're tired, and that we're on early shift in the morning, but I want to go to visit Mummy."

"In the peace garden?" Serena nodded. "Okay, we'll go."

Serena drew in a shuddering breath as she pushed away from Bernie to look up at her. Her mascara had run, and Bernie couldn't help but reach out and run her thumb beneath her eyes to remove it before bending in and kissing her softly. "Thank you, darling."

Bernie nodded as she watched Serena stand. There was still something so tender and sorrowful about her posture, and she couldn't help but pop to her feet and wrap Serena in a tight hug. There was no yielding in her body, no relaxation, no acceptance, of the embrace, and that hurt a little, so she started to run her hands up and down Serena's back, trying to offer her comfort. Finally, Serena let out a deep sigh and crumbled in her arms, her head burrowing into the middle of Bernie's chest. "I will always try to be here for you, Serena."

Serena slowly nodded as she returned the embrace, letting her hands spread out on Bernie's back as she hugged her tightly, her shoulders still shaking from her cries. They stood like that for a few more minutes, and then Bernie began to croon lowly in Serena's ear, singing the first song that came to mind. It only took a few bars for her crying to turn to laughter as she pushed away from Bernie's chest to look up into her eyes. "Billy Boy? Really?"

"It was either that or You Are My Sunshine. And I was not about to sing that to you. Because it is a depressing song."

"A song about being the sunshine of someone's life is depressing?"

"You've never sang the verses then, have you?" Serena shook her head. "Then just trust me, it is not a happy song. Besides, the love of Billy Boy's life has a dimple in her chin, just like you do." Bernie chucked her lightly under her chin and Serena gave her a watery smile before standing on her tiptoes and kissing Bernie softly.

"Can we go now? Before I make myself sad again?" Bernie nodded and wrapped her arm around Serena's waist, guiding her out to the foyer. They stepped into sensible shoes and then Bernie was helping Serena into her coat and handing her her beloved hat. "Will you drive?"

"If that's what you want."

Serena nodded before drifting out to the garage. Bernie had to hurry to catch up with her, grabbing the keys off the hook before shoving her phone in her pocket and locking the door. "You know, after this, we'll need to open our own gifts. Or at least, my personal gift to you. I didn't want to share that with the children."

Bernie nodded as they got in the car. Once they were underway, she felt Serena's eyes on her, and realized that she hadn't given her partner her answer. "And now you have my mind spinning."

"I am ever so good at that, aren't I?" The banter seemed to be helping Serena out of her funk, and Bernie was grateful for that. She wanted to see her partner radiantly happy, as she deserved to be. "But don't let your mind sink too far into the gutter, it's not like I bought you Burmese bells."

Bernie felt her brow furrow together, not familiar with the term. Turning her head to look at Serena, she noticed the bright blush on her cheeks, the tracks of tears glistening under the street lamp lights they passed. The juxtaposition of mirth and sorrow tugged at her heartstrings, and Bernie slipped her hand off the wheel to pat her lover's arm lightly. "You'll have to show me what those are when we're back home."

"Okay."

That word was enough to tell Bernie that everything would be all right, given time, and she nodded as she completed the fifteen minute drive. Once parked in Serena's spot, she got out and opened the door for her beloved, holding out her hand. Serena quickly clasped it, pulling herself out of the vehicle before wrapping her arm around Bernie's waist as she gently kicked the door closed. Bernie locked the car before leading Serena over to the garden.

"It's quite beautiful at this time of night," she whispered as they stopped.

"It is." Serena rested her head on Bernie's chest, pulling her arms around her as she stared at a spot on the ground. "Hello, Mummy. I brought my Bernie with me tonight. I think you would have liked her, she's the antithesis of Edward, and she came back to me, when I thought that I had lost her. While she won't say it, I know that she loves me, because I gave her a reason to stay. And she gave me a reason to stay."

Bernie's arms tightened around Serena's waist. Unable to stop it, a tight gasp slipped from her lips as she nuzzled her face into the crook of Serena's neck. "Serena?"

Her lover shrugged a little as she pressed her hands down on Bernie's. "It's okay. You came back before things got too bad, and now things are getting better. Mummy knew that I was always one to have black moods." A tender, jagged, silence fell over them, and then Serena was turning around as she opened Bernie's coat and started to wrap it around her body. Bernie finished the movement, murmuring lightly as her lover rubbed her cheek against her chest.

There was another long pause to their conversation, and then Serena began to lowly sing as she gazed up at the night sky. "I wonder as I wander, out under the sky…" Bernie didn't know the song, but it was so haunting and she shivered as Serena hit one clear, high, note.

"That was beautiful."

Serena pulled back a little to look up into Bernie's face, giving her a small smile. "That was Mummy's favorite Christmas song. It's stuck with me over the years." She shivered violently. "I think that we should head home now."

Bernie nodded as she guided them back to the car. Thankfully, there was no one around, since she knew that Serena would be bothered if anyone saw her like this. The drive home was also quiet, but Serena was a little more open to her, since she was twisted in her seat to watch her, a tender smile on her face. At some point, her partner reached out and rested her hand in the crook of Bernie's elbow, and she couldn't stop the smile that came to her lips.

Once home, Serena was the first out of the car and in the door before Bernie could stop her. Sighing a little, she turned off the vehicle and followed her partner inside. There was the sound of feet on the stairs, and she let out a disheartened sigh as she toed off her shoes and followed after her. Somehow, she knew that Serena wouldn't head for their bedroom first, and she made her way over to Jason's room, a tiny smile on her lips as she took in the sight of Serena leaning against the door, staring in at her nephew.

Coming up to her side, Bernie wrapped her arms around her waist and rested her chin on her shoulder. "He's fast asleep."

"He is. Thank you for today." Serena pressed back into her chest, and Bernie tightened her grip as they swayed back and forth a little. "Thank you for understanding me, and, and…" Her lowly spoken words dropped off as she covered Bernie's hands with her own, holding them against her stomach as they continued to watch for a few more moments.

Finally, Bernie turned them around and led Serena to their room. The docility that Serena was displaying unsettled her, especially when compared to her joy at having their children all under one roof for the briefest of times. It had been the start that she had hoped for with Charlotte, and yet she should have known that when Serena compared that to Elinor's less than charitable reaction it would have hurt, deeply. "At least Elinor was here for a little while?"

"Yes. And your Charlotte was so sweet with Jason. I knew that Cameron would be, since they work together, but your daughter is a sweetheart. She takes after you."

Serena looked up at her, an open expression on her face. "I'm not sweet."

"You are, in your own Bernie way. You're my sweetheart." Serena wrapped her arms around Bernie once more, resting her head on her chest as she drew in several deep breaths. "Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas, Serena," she murmured in reply, stroking her lover's back lightly as she thought about the ways she could make this better for Serena. Pulling away, she caressed her cheek before leaning in for a long kiss. Bernie could feel the way Serena melted into her, and she deepened the kiss as they made their way over to the bed, sitting heavily as they snogged. "And at least we don't have to worry about any of them walking in on us," she said airily as she ran her fingers through Serena's hair.

A tiny giggle slipped from Serena's lips as she nodded. "There is that. And maybe you're right, maybe she'll come around in time. I just have to be patient. And I get to have you by my side." A tremulous smile spread across her face as she tugged on a piece of Bernie's hair. "This really was a good Christmas. I just need to focus on the positive. Right?"

"Right." They kissed once more, and Bernie hummed lightly as they fell back onto the mattress. "And I am positive that I am going to love on you tonight. After all, I think that you're my last gift I have left to unwrap?"

"I like the way you think." Serena gazed into her eyes and let out another soft giggle. "Thank you for being my star in the heavens, Berenice. Thank you for guiding my heart home." All she could do was nod, knowing that the same was true for her, as well. Serena was her star, and she never wanted to let her go.


End file.
